So this weekend was family weekend at my school, so my parents decided to make a visit. Upon fifteen minutes before their arrival, I had just started cleaning my place. This involved my roommates and I throwing most of our clothes into closets, febrezing everything, and stealing the janitor's utility vacuum. All and all I say we did a fairly okay job. Our parents were actually pretty impressed with our living arrangements. And so the imbibing of cheap alcohol began. Stories of the old college days were told. Competitions were made. There was some laughter and there was some disappointment. This was all before seven o' clock, and naturally we ran out of booze. So my father and I went to the local super chain establishment to purchase some more beer and snacks. Well the fuckers at this establishment would not allow my dad to purchase a 30 rack of beer, since I was underage and with him. Ridiculous right. For those who know my father, know he wouldn't stand for this. So he demanded to see the manager, and after a half hour of seeing five people who claimed to be managers we were finally left with "It is corporate policy". Well at least we got a free bag of chips for our efforts. And the drinking continued.
I took my parents to a local dive bar, which serves the best wings ever in my opinion. My parents enjoyed their meals, but eventually my mom became annoyed with drunk townies. So before she could say anything to them, my dad and I got her out of there. We went to another bar, where other college students and their parents had met up. I left my parents to socialize with my other friend's parents, so that we could creep away and rip the worst shots imaginable (all on their tab). You know that feeling you had when you were a kid at a grown-up party, and you and the other kids all snuck behind the bar to have a sip of beer just to know what it tasted like? I was having that feeling all night. The folks talked, and we had everything from slippery nipples to four horsemen. Good times. So as the night came to a close, the parents went back to their respective hotels and we hung around until closing. I walked back to a friends house to see what was going on there, and ended up missing the drunk bus back to my place. So I stayed there for a while, debating whether or not to take the long journey home.
Note: I am smashed at this point.
The thought of my own bed vs. piss stained couch drove me to take a quest that turned into an interesting story. It was about three in the morning when I left to go back. It was a perfect night out. The sky was clear, the moon was full, the temperature was comfortable. I got back to the west side of campus, which is the opposite side of where I live. Drunk me then decided that it must be quicker to take a "short cut" through the Allegany forest then to take the conventional path back. I have a message for drunk me. Fuck you, your an idiot. Any person with any sort of wit would not take this way because 1. it's the wilderness, 2. it leads nowhere near your apartment. And yet I went on. As I walked, I thought to myself this wasn't that bad. I looked up at the sky and viewed the picturesque scene of the full moon through the tree branches as the cool night breeze blew through them. Drunk me was kind of enjoying himself. Then everything went to shit. It had seemed drunk me was too busy looking up at the sky to notice that he had begun to stray from the only path that would lead out of the woods. Upon realizing this, things were not as cool anymore. I noticed how dark it really was and that I really had no clue where I was. Attempting to stay calm was the only thing to do, but just like out of a classic movie, something moved in the bush right next to me and scared the shitpiss out of me. I bolted so fast that I didn't care if it was going in the right direction. Then bam. I ran face first into a decently large tree. I don't know if I was actually knocked out. All I know was I came through on the ground and that my face felt like Andre the Giant stepped on it. I then hurried to stand up, in fear that I might get ticks in my hair. One of my friends had a very bad experience with ticks once, so i don't take them lightly. Fuck you ticks.
So anyway, my phone is dead (of-course), so I can't call anyone to help me if i wanted to. I keep walking in a direction that I hope leads towards the path and away from the bush monster. Finally, at dawn, i emerge from the woods. The first thing I notice is that I am literally four feet from the spot where I started my journey. Frustrated and hungover, I drag my feet down the conventional path towards my home. I look back at the woods with a new found appreciation and absolute utter hatred for the cruel mistress that is nature. I tell my parents this story the next night at the bar. My mother yells at me. My father laughs and says "I hope that doesn't happen again tonight". He buys me a beer...
